…2 Mess Up Your Writing

I’ve spent the morning at my proper job like a good girl, supplementing my writing income. Actually, I think it’s the other way around. As I’ve just created a standing desk for myself both there and at home, I’m knackered, my back hurts, my feet feel like they’ve been encased in concrete and I’m grumpy.

Maybe I was grumpy before; I haven’t decided yet.

As an archivist, I spend my time dealing with old photographs, records and amassing a brain and a database full of useful historical facts about my town and employer. Digitising is essential but in order to get to that point, I have to first take care of the physical records. This was how I spent today. I hate staples almost as much as I detest paperclips. As I fought through rust and ruined paper this morning, it occurred to me how easily this could have been avoided. I muttered to myself a list of 10 ways to mess up archives and then I realised; it’s the same with creative writing.

This list is not definitive by any means. I’d love to hear your comments and there may yet be a part 2. It depends if I get even grumpier. Oh, and I won’t count poor editing in the list or a ropey cover; that should go without saying.

So here you are. 10 easy ways to mess up your writing.

1.  Don’t bother finding out what passive voice is and include heaps of it in your narrative- especially was. Was is the best.

2.  Repeat words in a paragraph as often as you like; it’s really not annoying especially when it’s adjectives. Sling in as many of those as you can find.

3.  Stick to cliches; everyone knows what they mean so they’re handy.

4.  Keep in those special scenes of which you’re proudest. Make them fit.

5.  Kill off a main character; it’s your book, you can do what you want.

6.  Describe to the enth degree and repeat facts for the benefit of the reader; sometimes they don’t get it until after the fifth time.

7.  Use complicated words to allow the reader to see how their intelligence can improve by reading your books.

8.  You don’t need to research things. Anyone can perform a tracheotomy using a nose-hair remover and a biro. Besides, how many doctors will read your stuff?

9.  It’s fine to use 3000 words to describe a love scene in which the lovers turn into sunbeams. That’s more dollars on Kindle Unlimited for you.

10. Don’t worry about using speech. Those pesky speech marks really get in the way of a good story. Nobody reads it, not when they’re embroiled in your brilliantly crafted action.

I don’t think I can stop now

I never considered what might happen and now I’m thinking of another possible 10, in fact, there’s heaps more.

Take heed. I’ve been around a long time and I know what I’m talking about. Copy everything I’ve listed and help to make me the success you know I deserve to be.

Suggestions in the comments. I’ll include them in the next post…

In the meantime go to my BOOKS page and see all of the above…hopefully absent.

And just so you know, the books in the featured image aren’t real. I painted them onto a block of wood. In the writing world Grasshopper, all is not as it seems…